After a hilarious evening at C.C.’s,
I had about 24 miles to get to the Nolichucky River near Erwin, TN. The day went without issue as I passed the
NOC Nolichucky River Outpost and scrambled over a loose, rocky trail en route
to a hard ball (concrete) road. I walked
over the bridge and stopped at the Nolichucky Hostel where some older, out of
shape gentlemen were outside, under a tarp, playing chess, talking shit and
smoking cigarettes.
“Any
vacancies?” I asked.
“Barely.
How far ya come?” the burley Grateful Dead-looking man responded.
“Greasy
Creek Gap.”
“Ha!
That’s over 20 miles and it’s early in the day!”
“Good
times.”
 |
| Nolichucky Bridge |
The realization that I wasn’t lying
set in and the old man said there was a resupply inside. I grabbed snacks and looked at my map. The store didn’t have the amount of calories
I needed to prepare for the next day of about 25 miles. I sat down to listen the old timers talk
trash over a game of chess and quietly smoked a cigarette while a dog came up
for attention. I saw sprinkles of rain
begin to pepper the deck I was on and decided to go down the road to a Valero
gas station in hopes of finding more food.
After a mile, I found the Valero and saw a hotel right next to it. I did a quick recon of the gas station
supplies and was impressed.
“How
late are you guys open?” I asked.
“Til
10,” the cashier responded.
“I’ll
be back,” instantly wishing I had used an Austrian accent.
I decided to make it a luxury night
and stay at the hotel. The front desk
gave me a number for a pizza delivery place and also a business card of a man
that did shuttles to the trail, named 10K.
I showered up, ordered pizza and called 10K to see what he could do for
me.
“Hello?”
“Hi
sir, I’m a thru-hiker looking to slack pack tomorrow from a point south of here,
then move north to Erwin again. The next day I would need to get dropped off at
the same starting spot to head south.”
“Well,
my daughter’s getting married this weekend. How early were you looking to get
up each day?”
“I’d
like to hit the trail by 6 in the morning.”
“Oh!
I can do that then. I’ll pick you up around 5:30.”
10K pulled through for me! I added a night to my hotel stay. 10K was going to drop me off south at Sam’s
Gap, approximately 25 miles from the hotel.
I would then only pack what I needed for a day and jog or walk north at
a fast pace back to Erwin, where I had a room and the rest of my camping supplies. This would let me cover big miles and give my
shoulders a break. The day after, 10K
would drop me off at Sam’s Gap again with a full pack and I would continue
south.
I went back to the Valero to examine
the highest calorie snacks, bought a 6-pack of Coors Light and a pack of
cigarettes. I went back to the hotel to
wait on the pizza man. I started the
trail weighing 165 lbs. By the time I
hit Erwin, my weight had dwindled to 130 lbs.
My body started to resemble someone that escaped Auschwitz. I was small to begin with, so I wasn’t
looking too healthy. Just to maintain
130 lbs at my age, height, weight and gender I would have to consume roughly
3,000 calories a day. I had to get on
the “seafood” diet; if I see food, I eat it.
My ability to eat large quantities of food was about to hit a record
high.
The list of food from the pizza
place and the gas station that I devoured in an hour and a half are as follows
in no particular order…
24 BBQ wings = 1,440
calories
Pint of Ben and Jerry’s Red
Velvet ice cream = 1,000 calories
Bowl of spaghetti and
meatballs = 969 calories
Big bag of restaurant style
Tostito tortilla chips = 1,039 calories
Tostito’s chunky salsa = 210
calories
Medium chicken, bacon, ranch
pizza = 1,920 calories
6-pack of Coors Light = 600
calories
1 breadstick = 150 calories
I ordered 2 breadsticks, but just
couldn’t squeeze the second one in. 4 hours after
this gluttonous event, I was hungry again so I then inhaled that last garlic
breadstick. Victory is mine! In total, before the second breadstick, I ate
7, 328 calories in one sitting. When you
consume that much food with a body resembling Gollum from Lord of the Rings,
you form a proud pot belly unlike anything you’ve ever seen and perhaps it
became “my precious.” I laughed as my
belches shook the bed. I probably had
some food in my evil ginger beard as I set multiple alarms and channel surfed
my way into a food coma for the evening.
Well, at least until the food wanted out, which is a whole other disgusting
event that I can only describe as a man imitating the birthing process over a
toilet while grabbing the tub and sink on either side of him and then… I’ll… I’ll
just stop right there.
